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Send us some of your best jokes...keep them reasonably clean please...Irish, drummer, whatever! Remember, we reserve the right NOT to post the jokes if they are offensive unclean racist or just plain filthy. So that should narrow it down a bit!! But for the mean time here's a few to be goin' on with!

Irish

*O'Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

*An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

*How to make Irish stew: Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout. Drink all of the stout. Forget about the stew.

*An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

*After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

*Now the Irish have a new clinic for those who want to stop smoking. It's called Nicotine's Anonymous. If you get the urge to smoke, you call them and they send a man over and you get drunk together.

*A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says : "Takes me a whole goddam day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."
The Kerry farmer says:"Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too."

*Paddy is walking down the Blackpool prom one day and he sees a mother breast feeding her baby boy. Paddy stops to speak to the mother "That's   what I like to see natural breast-feeding, I was raised on that".
The young mother tells Paddy to clear off. Paddy continues "No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at me, tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby breast feeding takes me back to my childhood", he pauses...., "can I try breast feeding on the other breast".
The young mother says again "Get away with you Paddy". Paddy says convincingly "You've got plenty of breast milk for baby, and he doesn't need the other breast". The young mother looks and Paddy and thinks, well he is good looking, fit and lots of muscle, "Come over here Paddy and you can get on the other breast". Paddy being sucking on the other breast, after five minutes the young woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get aroused ,panting slightly, she lies back and whispers to Paddy "Paddy ..... is there anything else you want ?"

Paddy asks "err....have you got any Farleys Rusks"

*Mrs. O'Leary is chatting with Mrs. O'Rourke in the front parlor when she glances out the window and shrieks, "Oh no, here comes my Paddy up the front walk with a bouquet of flowers! I suppose this means I'll be spending the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air!"
In a puzzled tone Mrs. O'Rourke replies, "What's the matter, don't you have a vase?"

Musical

*Did you hear about the bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

* What is the definition of perfect pitch? Throwing a mandolin into a toilet without hitting the seat

* Why are mandolins better than guitars?
They burn longer!

* You're lost in the desert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus, and a good "mangled din" player. Who do you ask for directions? You might as well try the cactus, the other two are figments of your imagination

*Where do mandolin players play best?
In traffic!

* What do you call twenty-five "mangled din" players up to their necks in sand [or concrete]?
Not enough sand!

* What do you call one-hundred "mangled dins" at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start

*A man went to a brain store to get some brains for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for bassplayers brain?"
"2 dollars an ounce."
"How much for mandolin players brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for guitar players brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for drummers brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is drummers brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many drummers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

*Three Myths Dispelled
Myth Number 1: It takes hard work and talent to play the guitar.
Fact: The only talent most guitarists have is a talent for avoiding hard work.
Myth Number 2: You can make good money playing the guitar.
Fact: People will frequently pay you much better money to stop.
Myth Number 3: Your guitar will make you friends wherever you go.
Fact: This is only true if you never go anywhere.

*Tabulature for a drummer...

----H----B---h---B----------H-------B---B-H--------

--h---H--B---------B--------H---H---B-H-B---H------

---------B-----h-----B------H-B---------B-----H----

-----------h-----------h----------h----------------

------------------------------------------------B--

h = hit it! H = hit it harder! B = beat it!

*And finally....one for Duncan

A capo allows the guitarist, once out of tune in one key, to quickly be out of tune in any other key!

 

 

 

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